Light Up Your Life With Islam

Posts tagged ‘marriage’

The Old Man and the Woman

As I was walking towards the runway from the boarding lounge, I couldn’t help but notice the very aged couple in front of me. Hardly being able to walk yet supporting each other, the husband quietly adjusted the warm stole on his wife’s shoulders. I smiled to myself and moved on towards the gate, not seeing them again until our plane landed at the destined airport.

After going through the usual procedure, I was standing next to my bags, waiting for the luggage when I saw a worker pushing two wheelchairs across the slippery floor. He stopped right in front of me and I saw the same old man and woman in a wheelchair each. The worker helped the old man out of his seat and went to get his bag leaving him standing there. The old man walked slowly over to the other wheelchair and bending his already bent back some more, gave his wrinkled feeble hand to his wife and tried to pull her up unsuccessfully. By that time, the worker returned and helped his wife out of the wheelchair. The husband told her respectfully to “go sit down”. She responded with equal respect and said “it’s okay, don’t worry about me”.

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In the meantime, my luggage had arrived and after collecting my bags, I left the airport. But my heart was touched by what I had seen. I wondered to myself, what had kept the spark alive for this old couple? Why is it that today young spouses can’t bear the other’s face just a couple of years into marriage? I remembered their respectful looks and tones towards each other and I knew I had found my answer.

Indeed, it is respect that we lack today. We wait for love in the form of a missed heartbeat, tingly feelings, sentimental songs and rainbows and butterflies. But it never happens, and even if it would, it would get tiresome after a while. We forget that love is not a temporary phase of excitement rather long-term solace and loyalty built by giving respect and compassion. Unless we lay the foundations of this very basic family unit correctly, how can we expect to construct a building on it free of cracks and flaws?

May Allah grant us wisdom to deal with our spouses and families in the best possible manner and may He make them the coolness of our eyes. Ameen.

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For better or for worse

Bimillah.

If you’re a woman, married or unmarried, this is for you. Surprisingly, the post is about men. Oops!

It’s because we live in a world where everyone is keen to know their rights but hardly anyone is concerned about their duties. It’s satisfying and easy to know what rights you have, but fulfilling your duties is uphill work. Anyway, it’s a long debate and we will not be getting into it just now, suffice it to say that men and women both have their sets of duties and rights, Allah has set them and He is not unfair to either sex.

What I do want to talk about is hadith no. 3237 in Sahih Bukhari, it is a well-known hadith but the intensity of the implication of its meaning is what’s often not registered:

Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning.”

Refusing a husband when he calls for sexual relations is a major sin.

Major sins are not something to be taken lightly. If not doing something is a major sin then doing it is an obligation. You have to do it, there is no way around it. Sometimes when people start getting pleasure out of certain things, they think they have to do those things only as long as they’re enjoyable and when they don’t get the pleasure any more, they think it’s okay to leave them and they forget that in the first place it was an obligation, the pleasure was just a bonus.

This is the mercy of Allah that He has put pleasure in obligatory things for us. For example, attending a Quran class and learning new things is fun. But even if it wasn’t fun, we’d still have to do it.

Similarly, your husband is your friend, you have good times together and you have bad times. You get tired and sometimes want to be alone as well. But even then, when you don’t feel like it, you still can’t say ‘no’.

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Some might call it cruel but then again the thing to remember is that all the rules are set by Allah and He knows us best, wants the best for us and is never unjust. To understand the scientific aspect of it, you can read the details somewhere where you will find how it is important for men to release that specific energy bottled up inside which would otherwise be harmful for them. It’s a need, just like food is our need. To understand the emotional aspect, you can still read on it elsewhere.

There are only 2 conditions in which you can refuse your husband:

  1. There is a legal reason. You’re on your period, you’re fasting the obligatory fast, he’s asking you to do something forbidden in Islam (anal sex etc.)
  2. There is a physical reason. You’re extremely ill and weak and don’t have the strength to please him.

Other than this, denying him his right just out of boredom, because you’re not in the mood, you’re doing something else or you want to do it conditionally, all this is wrong.

This is an obligation. Leaving obligatory deeds is sure to bring all sorts of problems in life. The first thing it would do is to take away Allah’s mercy. If your marital life is suffering, think is it because I am not doing something that I am supposed to be doing?

Obeying one’s husband is very important anyway. His place is only after Allah and His Prophet ﷺ. If the husband is not happy with you, Allah won’t be happy either. We should be careful lest all our other good deeds go to waste by not taking care of this obligation.

Just like it is sinful to not obey him, similarly, obeying him has a lot of merits. Not only does it make you enter Paradise but it will make Allah happy and it will eventually bring marital bliss. Your husband will notice what you do for him and be good to you as well. You just need to keep doing your job.

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise by whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.”

[Narrated by Ahmad (1664) and others; classed as hasan by al-Albaani because of another report in Saheeh al-Targheeb, as stated by al-Arna’oot in Takhreej al-Musnad.]

May Allah make our spouses the coolness of our eyes. Ameen.

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